My best Christmas present

I spent my third Christmas with my sister this year. The first two I was a baby. This was memorable to say the least. It was perfect, wonderful and very jolly.

I hadn't seen my sister, Amy, in over 20 years. A long story short. There was a separation, mom took us on the train from Duluth MN to here in Ks. This was in 1975. She ended up not being able to get a divorce since it turned out the marriage wasn't legally married after all. They were very much hippies and apparently making sure the person who married you was actually legally able to do so wasn't a priority! Paul our dad (well not sure if he's mine or not), wanted us back. He eventually tracked us down and picked Amy up one day on the way to school and then called from Nebraska to tell mom he had her and was keeping her. That went over like a brick on fire. I saw my sister one more time when I was six or seven as my uncle drove a car by there place and I was told to wave at the people in the yard. We were in the area for a funeral and mom went to see them, told them her and I were moving out of the country. I don't ever remember being told who they were but Amy said I said "hi Amy" as I waived. I saw here next when I was 14 and ran away to MN. I was there about a month it ended badly, I'll leave it at that. I didn't speak to my sister again until about 4 years ago. Laws were very different back then and all of this was able to take place because neither parent had custody over the other. It was perfectly legal for either of them to take us at any point and the laws and courts simply wouldn't get involved.

This visit was the most monumental of monumental things. I really never ever thought something like this would happen. We clicked from the first moment, no awkward moments.

Imagine the most emotional, joyous and tear filled scene in any movie you have ever watched and you'll have a really good idea of what happened at the airport when we saw each other. JT videoed a bit of it but he let the camera fall asleep and it shut off!

The week has been a whirlwind of catching up. We looked at pictures and videos. We took pictures all the time. We talked about being little and together. We talked about all the crap we'd been told as kids and tried to patch together the truth. We baked and cooked a banquet of foods. we shopped and wrapped presents and drank together. I finally got to see my baby pictures and she got to catch up on a lifetime of all of my photos.

My nephew Alec is, 16, a blast and it appears he and Hannah share one half of a brain to make a whole. They are that perfect together. They hit it off from the very first second. Both are hyper, wired oddly, think way outside the box and love junk food like chocolate pie. They both also hate crowds of annoying people and have little Patience for being nice to people you just don't like at all even if they are related to you.

Christmas morning came and the tree had barfed up a room full of presents. Our mother even came over. It was a blast watching everybody open presents and seeing Amy react to the things we got her. We both went for sentimental. The kids all made out in amazing ways. Our kids got rock band as a group. The teens got MP3 players, video games and money! Hailey got her Barbie scooter and barbies, Xavier and Jason both got remote control trucks which was not planned lol. Everybody got clothes. JT gave me the Santa's workshop DVD and a very fluffy pink robe. I got him a membership to the local rocketry club and tools. My mom gave us a zoo membership. My sister gave me a very special necklace and I gave her a scrapbook and pictures of me growing up to start it with.

Christmas night was the huge family get together and command performance. Amy had never before met a lot of these people and had definitely never had the experience of a large family anything in her life. it was always just her and dad, maybe a friend or two. I only agreed to the circus for her benefit. I can't stand many of the the two faced, hypocritical family members. I've been much happier and stress free since we simply stopped going to extended family things. We all have been. It was truly hard to continue to bite my tongue that evening and I could have used some hard liquor! Great grandma was holding court and demanding to be the center of attention. she went so far as to be in a wheel chair that every single person agreed was just bullshit as she did not need one. she has a bad knee and one arm in a tight sling so walking isn't easy and she does need a cane for balance but not a damn wheel chair, and bright red at that! The kids were bored out of their minds. There isn't a toy or book anywhere in that house for them but there are tons of breakables and places they "aren't suppose to be". They also aren't suppose to be a part of the conversation or move from one spot ever. I sent them to the empty basement to at least be able to chill a bit. later I was told by my cousin the kids weren't suppose to be there. I told her if they couldn't be there we'd have to leave because they were terribly bored and overwhelmed by the wall to wall people upstairs and bored children will cause problems. She told everyone I was throwing a hissy fit (damn bitch). When Amy asked grandma (in front of everyone) if the kids weren't suppose to be down there, grandma said they were fine down there. So Amy proceeded to ask Becky if the kids could be down there what was the problem. She told her that her kids weren't to be going down there but wanted to because mine were. She wanted me to follow her parenting rules to make her parenting easier, this is why I hate getting together with this family and it is soooooo hard not to bite my tongue. Well we survived the night and Amy really did enjoy herself but said it was to crowded to really talk much with anyone.

The next day we did the big family picture that I set up. That was a bit of chaos in a ball wrapped with a big layer of happy, about to explode. There ended up being 24 of us and we finally got a picture that had all our eyes open and looking at the camera. Because of the snow storm several relatives didn't make it into town for the photo, oh well. Everybody ended up with at least one picture of the group to take home. We even purchased a copy of us where half of us were looking somewhere besides the camera just because it seemed so normal.

We took a million pictures and videos these past seven days. It all seems to have gone by to fast. The days ended much to soon. Nobody wanted to it to end. Hannah finally found family that she likes. Jason, Xavier and Hailey discovered the coolest aunt and cousin. Amy even taught Xavier to make a letter A which made him very very proud. A ton of tears were shed today as we got ready for the airport and even more while we were there. Hannah didn't go to the airport because she said it would make her cry. I know she cried anyway and just didn't want anyone to see it. I was a blubbering mess. You just can't squeeze a lifetime into a week and not be a mess at the end. I finally have my sister and It was like ripping off a part of me to say goodbye to her. For most of my life there has been this empty hole in me because I didn't have a relationship of any kind with my sister. Most of the time she was just a phantom concept. Now the hole is filled with love and joy and peace.

We are hoping to take a couple weeks and a car trip to Mn over the summer. They live on the North shore of lake Superior, beautiful country and lots of fun. Now to figure out how to afford it.

Feeling angry when I should be happy

I should be excited but I am just majorly stressed out right now. It's 6 days until Christmas and 4 days until my sister and nephew are here. Instead of wrapping up gifts or finishing the project for my sister or out looking at lights or even making cookies with the kids all I seem to have been doing is cleaning the house. I'm not having any fun and my house isn't even decorated to it's usual overdone self.

I am looking forward to seeing my sister but I feel like all my happy energy is just gone at this point. I really want to be selfish and just have it be me and her the whole time but I am having to share her with extended family that I don't even want to spend holidays with because they have treated me and my family like crap the last few years and are only being half way nice to me because they want to see Amy after 34 years. I understand that they want to see her but I'm still pissy at them over how they have treated us and the fact that they are kinda taking over Christmas day. It's a struggle not to just scream at them to leave me alone and stop telling me what's going to happen. The only reason I don't is because I know Amy wants to see them.

I'm feeling terribly overworked and under appreciated by JT and the kids. I feel like they use me as their personal cleaning and cooking service most days. despite my health and horrible pain levels I strive to always do things that put them first but it seems none of them do much of anything for me. They all leave food everywhere, can't get laundry into the hamper or trash into the can. None of them seem to know how to put a roll of toilet paper on, operate a broom, dish rag, washer or vacuum. I'm constantly on the kids to do the simple chores that they have every day and every day they give me crap and excuses about not doing them. They never ever do anything extra without a direct order. JT doesn't take care of anybody but himself and even that he doesn't always do without me telling him to. I don't get meals made for me or my dishes put in the sink. Nobody picks up my mess when I just hurt to much to move. My hobbies or even reading a book have to be squeezed in at the end of the day after I've done for everybody else and made sure all the kids are in bed and JT has had time to talk at me. We don't usually watch what I want on tv or listen to the music I'd like or even go to movies that are my first pick. I can't take a shower without being interrupted. I have to be completely responsible for all things medical and educational all the time. I'm also solely responsible for groceries, household things, and 90% of bills and budget. It's overwhelming, frustrating and depressing when nobody reciprocates anything I do in kind.

I've been so happily looking forward to this visit from my sister but now I'm afraid I'll just be angry at everybody else while she is here. This is the first Christmas we will have had together since I was a year and half old and she was 6. My mother hasn't had us in the same room with her in 33 years. When she was seven she was taken by her father. I saw her again when I was 14 for a few short weeks and we didn't talk again until about 4 years ago. It's only been in the last two years that we've become close. Every year, as a child, I asked Santa for my sister for Christmas and I never got her but this year I finally do. I don't want all this anger and frustration to surround this wonderful time. It's just very hard to not have it when I spend hours a day putting myself in pain just to clean up basic things that others could do but just won't!

Frustrations

JT job is really pissing me off and to an extent JT. He doesn't have an office, he has a van which he has to drive over 1/2 - 2/3 of the state on any given day (they have even tried to send him to other states). He can spend six to eight hours behind the wheel on a fairly normal day. This is because we are in a rural state where the companies customers are spread out all over the damn place. He services and repairs mostly computer registers for grocery and retail outlets. His company or more specifically his boss like to play a juggling game with his hours and overtime. Overtime happens in this job a lot. It's not created by slowness it's just the nature of the job. If you have to drive 2 - 3 hour to get to the store to work for 20 minutes on the equipment and then drive back and do other calls along the way or in town then you are going to have overtime. There is just so much a person can squeeze into 8 hours. The way calls operate is that they are dispatched and rated on importance from a 1 - 4 with 1 being immediate priority. Something with an immediate priority usually has a 3 - 4 hour repair clock ticking on it that begins when the store called it in. They have to make it to the store and complete the repair in that time. It's in the stores contract with the company and most of the stores can cancel the contract if the company misses something like more than 5% of those deadlines in a month. 2 and 3 level calls can have between 8 and 24 hours (can't remember the specifics), but if you get say two level 2s at the same store at the same time it ups it to a level 1 and changes the time frame. Level four are low priority and don't usually have a time but need to be done within a few days anyway. Stores can call in things anywhere from 7am to 11pm. If the whole register thing is down though they can call it in at anytime, like say 5am. There are only two guys to cover this territory and do this work. Well a third is sort of there but he's not on call and isn't trained on most of the stuff because his primary job is something else. Sometimes they even have to do other parts of the state because the contractors in those areas don't want to or can't do the job when it has to be done. Because of all these crazy time demands, contract obligations, two people doing it all, and all the distance to travel from place to place over time is unavoidable.

JT has been dispatched to call at 3:30 in the morning and 11:30 at night. He is on call for seven days in a row, twice a month, for after hours calls (6pm -8:30 am as well as every other Sunday).He only has 3 days off every 14 days. Sometimes a lot of overtime happens and sometimes hardly any happens. Overtime cost money and the company is all about the money. Since he started working for them they have tried all kinds of things to cut back on overtime despite the fact that when he was hired he was guaranteed overtime and in fact told he would be obligated to work it. His latest boss has decided that they must balance out all overtime by making them take days/hours off in whatever amount of overtime they rack up each week. This while still requiring them to be on call and take calls at night and weekends after their regular shifts.

It's pissing me off. JT shouldn't have to drop everything we are doing on a Sunday afternoon or a wed night to drive to Hays and back but then not get decent compensation for the interruption of his life by getting to keep that as overtime. He gets phone calls from his boss all the time on his "off days" that he doesn't get paid for either. It's not a minute or two either. He can have a couple of 15 - 20 minutes calls a day on his day off! His boss knows his days off but doesn't seem to respect them. The company has skipped out on bonuses and raises as well.

I'm mad at JT because he never even asked his immediate boss if this balancing thing was anew company thing or just a new policy of his boss. it makes a huge difference in the end. If it's company policy then it's just more ridiculousness from some nameless dud in Japan. If it's his bosses newest idea it is simply to make his boss look real good to his boss and get himself a raise or bonus all well screwing over the guys beneath him. His boss is known as a stickler for regulations and a tightwad so I really believe it's all to benefit him while screwing others. I'd like JT to just straight out ask. If it's a company policy thing then it will probably pass on by when it's shown not to work well or the financial quarter they are pinching pennies in passes. Limits on overtime have come down from the top before and passed pretty quickly. If it's all to benefit his boss then I think he should just say no to working beyond his scheduled 40 a week. He isn't getting any benefit for never being able to plan to do anything or dropping everything and int erupting our lives to go do something for his job. On call simply isn't worth it if you don't get decent compensation and treated in an appreciative manner for it. JT says it's pushing it to simply ask why and who decided that nobody could have beyond their 40 a week now. I think it's simply asking for clarification on a subject that is becoming a huge problem for those in the field. He also says if they just say no to working after hours then they will just have to start working weird shifts and weekend days to have coverage. I'd rather have that. With that at least we know when he is working and not working and there would be no more sitting on our butts not doing anything for fear that he would get a call or being woken up with 5am oe midnight surprise calls. He wouldn't have to quit watching a movie in the middle of a day off to go put in six hours of work. We could plan a life around his work even with a weird shift schedule. The only reason I haven't gone insane with the weird hours and dropping everything and having to explain to the kids why dad is not their yet again is because of the overtime pay that was paying our bills.

He can't exactly quit the job but I'm strongly encouraging him to keep looking for a new one and to beef up his resume so that he is more desirable to other companies. He does really good in this job, gets all kinds of pats on the back and has wanted to move up the line into higher positions.Sadly the company is treating him, as an employee, like shit when they insist he forget about having a life in order to serve the company and then want to take away the one thing that makes it a tiny bit worth it. Not to mention for all the praise they give him for doing so great they haven't given a raise and the bonuses they dangle in front of him as possible always seem to disappear around the time they were suppose to appear. It just doesn't inspire any company loyalty from employees.

School

Schooling kinda sucks around here. Sure we are having some good times but it's really been bumpy lately. We started out the years doing well. Hannah was really enjoying both the online classes and the classes at the high school. She was doing the work with very little prompting or nagging and I really didn't feel like I needed to check up on her a lot. The younger kids were really enjoying the seat work they asked for and we were doing some pretty cool units. As time has worn on though we seem to have hit a lot of pot holes. Homeschooling is a very hard job and I spend a lot of time thinking nothing I am doing is right.

Jason has meltdown fits more often than not over school work. Hailey needs me to guide her step by step through each letter she writes or group of objects she counts up on every paper. neither of them are big on following directions and then get really upset when something doesn't turn out right. They even skip numbers in dot to dots because they think they know what the pic is and then get mad when they were wrong! Xavier only wants to do the work they are doing which he can't because he hasn't got a clue about letters or words and that is what they are doing. I've given him workbooks over the same material and told him to go ahead and do it but then he gets mad because he doesn't know how and doesn't understand it. It would be funny if it weren't so hard to deal with his frustration and tears. A few good and memorable things have happened though. Jason read his first book out loud to me. Hailey has decided she really likes adding and she has picked up on phonic sounds without any particular help from me. Jason struggles a little with this and when he's having trouble with a letter sound or the many sounds a vowel can make she often pops up with the answer for him. Xavier has learned to do puzzles and candy Land really well plus he's got his colors and shapes down really well.

I wish I could find something nice to say about Hannah and school or even her in general really. it makes me sad that I can't.

Hannah stopped doing almost all of her online class work and was telling us she was doing it. She is about six weeks behind in most of her classes now. I found this out a couple weeks ago and there was a huge, mega huge blow up over it. I was furious and hurt that she would just lie to us like this. We were asking her all time how specific classes were going, did she need any help, doing anything interesting, have you finished your work for the day and such. She was just streaming us a crap load of lies. Then when I confronted her about the lies and told her how frustrated and hurt I was and wanted to know why she hadn't done any work and then lied about it, she told me it was all my fault as well as a few other things which she blamed me for. Oh yeah I was pissed and did things I'm not terribly proud of.

In the end we took away her social life, computer in the bedroom privilege and made her do school work at certain times in the kitchen where she could be seen doing it. I really thought this would be motivation to stop lying and just do the damn work. For two weeks she sat in the kitchen logged into her classes just not doing a damn bit of work! I really didn't think I would need to sit next to her and check up on her hourly to prevent her from lying more but apparently I was wrong. I've now had to set an hour by hour schedule of what class she works on when and she's literally working form 8am to 9 or 10 at night, plus Sat and Sun in order to get caught up. I have to go in and do check of what assignments in what areas have ben turned in every single day now. I absolutely hate this!!!! She's still making every excuse in the world as to why she can't do it, it doesn't work or she doesn't understand it. I'm really going to lose it one of these times and smack the crap out of her when she's having one of her little temper tantrums. It's not that she doesn't understand she just doesn't want to do the work, read the lessons, do the problems and then skip right to a quiz and get pissed that she doesn't know the answers. She has done this in all of her online subjects. She has become a horrible brat in so many ways I've actually looked at boarding school costs a few times. JT is very little help in any of this. He thinks I either over react or am being to harsh, he's not here to deal with it and when he is here he doesn't want to be bothered with dealing with it.

I'd let her just fail but it has no meaning to her. She doesn't care about passing or failing. She has no particular plans for college so a GPA means nothing to her. She also doesn't seem to care about having to repeat the classes. I've made it clear that at this point I am not going back to traditionally home schooling her so if she thinks that she'll get an easy diploma from me when she bombs public school, she's nuts.

life is goooood

Tonight I sat at the table and ate dinner with my kids and hubby. I don't think I'll ever take that for granted again. The last month and a half have been a whirlwind of crazy around here and we all really missed eating together at the table, passing the food around and talking with each other. All the kids pitched in and helped set and clear the table and do the dishes as well.

Our home is back to just us now. I love my friends and I'm glad we could help the way we could. They are all glad to have their own spaces now and beds! I kinda miss the chaos but the silence this morning was nice. Despite all the problems and logistics issues I would do it again in a heartbeat.

The holidays are zooming in on me really really fast. I love the holidays. I am a craft and decorating nut. I go overboard to make between Oct 1st and Jan 1st a really special time for all of us. I'm kinda behind on that but catching up fast. I talked with the kids about the Thank giving menu tonight. Some of the Halloween decor is up. Hailey's Halloween birthday is in progress. Tonight I realized that I get to make Christmas stocking for may sister and Alec. Every time I think of them coming I melt with joy, sometimes I cry with happiness.

This week is dedicated to sewing, baking and crafting. I have a ton of sewing projects to get going and a lot of craft/decorating things to do. On Friday is JT birthday and the kids and I will be making him lasagna and cake for his day. We'll do a few other things but I can't mention them in case he reads this LOL. I want to make him really happy this birthday. He has put up with so much stress and invasion recently he deserves it.

Life is really good and I hope I never take that for granted again.

just stuff

So I thought I'd right how life is going along with a few gripes. Kim if you read this or have it read to you DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY, if I was really upset at you I'd talk to you about it without a problem :) Oh and Danielle mind your own damn buisness!

So far my plan of a bit of regular schooling for Jason and Hailey, everyday, has worked out well. They really look forward to it and like it a lot. Of course they only like it for about an hour a day so that what we do of formal stuff. Xavier is right their in the middle of it with us. They particularly like the series of Magic Tree House books we've been reading through. Hailey is diving right into math and Jason is really reading well. It's a bit odd doing math with Hailey because she can not count in sequence beyond 11. She tries and tries but simply has not been able to get it. Jason has suddenly had a light bulb go on with words and reading. He's really enjoying discovering that he can in fact read lots of things. He's doing well in math to but it seems to bore him a bit right now. He's not much for repetative work on something he thinks he knows unless it's very short and simple.

Hannah is doing very well balancing her two schools. I think she could be doing better but that is probably just my mom high standards thinking that. I tend to hold her to pretty high standards without really realizing it. Her hardest class is her Honors History followed closely by her French. It's nice watching her be independent of me. Of course I have issues with a lot of her classwork, I would do things differently if I were in charge but I'm moving past that. I have had issues with the public school but after a letter and a few phone calls things are straightened out. Tomorrow night She goes to the homecoming dance, she has a date she is meeting there and she's wearing a real semi formal dress and shoes.

I've been dealing with a lot of pain. Back, neck, head and tooth to name just some. The neck has sent me to the ER twice and the tooth now has a partial root canal that I have to finish next week. I've also been doing PT, injections and had an MRI done for the neck. The physical therapist thinks it might be a pinched nerve, perhaps by a disk and the doctor suspects it might be as well. Not fun, but thisa is how my life goes. The older I get the worse my body gets. I don't like it one bit. It's not fair to live in a constant state of pain that very few people ever really and truly understand. Most simply don't believe the pain is what it is and that sucks even more.

We still have a ton of people living with us. I am really stressed with it for a whole lot of reasons. At times I feel like I am a mother to a handful of overgrown teenagers who perpetually act like they are 15 year olds just hanging out! That part is the absolute most frustrating and it bring me to a boiling point often. JT had a serious man to man talk with Jensen about getting a job, which means he has to actually look for one. It worked for a day! He's 21 has a child and is still acting like a child waiting for everybody to tell him how and when to do things. He sits on the couch all day playing on the computer, watching movies and chatting with Tessa, who is also behaving like she's about 15. They do nothing around here, not even pick up after themselves. Tessa leaves pop cans and her pill bottles all over the damn place. I know this situation is temporary and will pass but in the meantime I may go postal on some asses. I know it's temporary because JT is not going to allow it to go on for to much longer without giving ultimatums. I'm nice and I will wait an eternity for people to get their shit together but he is not. A few days has now turned into almost a month and another family. Oh and while I am griping, what the fuck is up with two toddlers going through a gallon of milk in twelve hours!? That is fucking insane and way to expensive for me. Ok gripe over, nobody take it personal. If I wanted people to take it to heart I'd tell you myself.

Life is never simple

I must start out by saying that I really am blessed. I've been stressed and grouchy lately because of life. This morning I did some positive thinking because I just really needed to. I discovered I have a lot to be grateful for.

I have my own house to live in. When I wake up in the morning I am in my own semi comfortable bed. I eat off of my own dishes. When I put a mug of water in the microwave it is my mug, water and microwave. I have a washer and dryer to clean my clothes any time I want. I have a car that run well and reliably. The chair I'm sitting in is my own the computer I'm using is mine. I have enough money every month to pay my bills, buy food and sometimes I even have a little extra for fun things. My children all have their own beds to sleep in and toys to play with. Everyday when they wake up they know they are home, that they will eat as much as they need and usually want and they know exactly where they will sleep that night.

Most importantly I have enough of everything I mentioned and I'm grateful enough for it all, to share it with others that aren't as lucky. I now have nine other people living in our home as well as a dog and nine cats outside in a tent, because they have nowhere else to live. This is why Hannah thinks I have lost my mind. I just can't turn people with children away. How would I feel if I had no where to sleep besides my car and everyone, including family wouldn't even let me have their floor for me or my kids to sleep on? Admittedly my yard does look a bit like a camp ground right now but it's all good in the end. I'm just glad to finally be in a position in life to be able to help at all, even if we all end up eating a ton of beans!

I need to learn to say no

Sometimes being a friend has a big price tag. I have six extra people and 11 animals staying with us right now because I am a being a friend. It is coming with a really big price tag. I'm really not sure how much more I can afford both literally and mentally. This is day 10.

I don't have any space in my home anymore. My kids don't have space either but they seem to be holding up better than I am. I'm working ten times as hard because I'm doing almost everything. I've been cooking meals for 12 people! Mess is everywhere. I have a desire to vacuum 4 times a day because I just know how icky the carpets really are. I sweep and mop and five minutes later it looks like I haven't done it for a month. Our food bill has gone crazy.

My house smells nasty. There are six people, 19 cats and a dog living in it. This is insane. It was suppose to be for a few days and now it's looking like weeks. There cats are marking all over the house. My cats are hiding. I feel like running away from home. They have nowhere else to go. Only one is working so most of them are here all day. I do almost all the cooking and cleaning. To be fair they did cook one meal, babysat one night so JT and I could get away, once they cleaned the bathrooms the dishes have been done a few times and they did buy groceries for the week (three carts of food for one week).I still had to go buy another $50 of food (plus other household stuff) to make groceries last and I probably will have to again in a day or two because feeding 12 people takes a lot of food! After that I'm not sure what to do because I'll be broke!

I say it looks like this could last weeks but really I have no idea since they haven't actually told me what there plans are. I'm feeling strained right now and I don't know how to approach them and still keep our friendship in tact because I'm just so frustrated. I want to use my washer when I want it, I want to cook normal size meals, I want to be able to sit on my couch at 3am if I feel like it, I want my house to stop smelling like a litter box (really nasty), I want my cats to feel comfortable in their own home, I want to be able to do school work with my kids without locking ourselves in the bedroom. I love my friends I really do but this is not a good thing. I'm way to nice I can't say anything and I can't turn anyone away. They have our car, are living in our home, using our stuff and tomorrow I am driving one of them to another state for a job interview! I have got to learn how to freaking say no, even if someone is in real need because it's killing me!

Our friendship isn't going to last much longer over this.

Rotten tomatoes

I really wish i could blog about happier things like how excited I am my sister is coming here for Christmas or how proud I am of Hannah taking on a very heavy class load, or something wonderful I created in the kitchen or even how cute the kittens are.

I can't do that right now because I am in a foul mood and I have to get this off my chest.

My health sucks big time and I really want to help it but I can't seem to get a doctor to agree with me and give me what I need. When your health is suffering and you spend most of your time just muddling through the pain it's hard not to be in a bad mood.

To top that off I want to smack JT most of the time because he is not motivated to do anything around the house. He walks by mess after mess as if they aren't there. He spend huge amounts of time hidden in the bedroom on the computer. he doesn't have to hear or deal with the kids, doorbells or mess that way. I really hate the computer in the bedroom. Aside from the fact that it allows him to hide, it keeps me awake. Our bedroom is small and he has two computer screens that are bright and he types away on it until very late into the night. I don't think he has any idea how disturbing that is in such a small room when you are trying to relax for the night. It's not really a fight I want to pick either.

I am really proud of Hannah for taking on a structured and large class load at two different places this year, plus working a little. She has developed an attitude so big I don't think I could beat it out of her with a backhoe. Her only chores are the cat boxes, her room and the very occasional babysitting I ask her to do. Every day I have to remind her several times to do the cat boxes. Getting her to take her laundry from her room to the laundry room requires a presidential order anymore (and her rooms stinks because of it). The only time she is civil or nice to me is when I am doing something directly for her. Last weekend she told me I was a bitch and always was one. This was in the process of her interrupting me while I was getting on to her abut being responsible for her own things when we are out somewhere. She told me I needed to stop, she didn't need to listen to me and I was a bitch. It took every ounce of sanity I had not to reach over, slap her until she was black and blue and kick her ass out of my car. That sounds bad but damn she is 15, my child and she does not get to inform me I am not allowed to lecture, scold or correct her on her behavior and then tell me I am nothing but a bitch! She is perfectly pleasant to all other people but at home and particularly with me she is dangerously close to having her ass kicked. She is like this every day, particularly when she is told she's breaking a rule or is in trouble for not doing something she was suppose to. She has an enormous amount of freedom around here and I contort myself to make things happen for her the way she would like them to happen. I ask for very little from her and she is giving me this kind of shit on a daily basis. There are times when things go nicely but it's when I am doing things for her like shopping, driving lessons, letting all her friends be over, making her special food and then delivering it to her room, driving her so she doesn't melt in the rain. She has always has some tude but the last few weeks things have rapidly gone down hill. I'm starting to feel the need to become a drill Sargent and I don't like it. She won't clean her room at all so this morning I went and pulled all the crap out from under and next to the dresser (mostly laundry), and emptied her closet into the middle of her floor. Her closet was packed top to bottom, a lot of it unpacked boxes she just didn't want to deal with. In the process I found a bunch of my stuff that she had just taken (without asking) and never returned. I also found jeans I've bought her cut up in all kinds of strips and squares. I won't be buying her anything for a really long time. Her Christmas stocking might even go empty if she keeps treating things this way. She is going to be really mad at me but she will deal with this stuff. I've decided to make random check and dumps of her room. Maybe she will see the value of improving her tude and taking care of her stuff if I start to regularly invade her space.

Last night as I was giving Hailey a bath I found lice. I'd have rather we had the plague than lice! It happens I know. It is not that I'm ashamed exactly but we have dealt with it before and it is a nightmare. It spreads so quickly and the special shampoos are useless, the bugs were still alive after wards (several attempts). We could not get it to go away at all last time (and it was so embarrassing) until a friend showed me how to use shortening to kill the bugs and get the nits to slide out. It's messy but it really works. So I immediately panicked a little. They weren't bad on her and after checking everyone else it was only her. I am cutting the boys hair anyway. I put a shower cap on her and went to work on the house. It was already 9 at night. I bag the hundred or so animals they have, stripped the beds, put all the pillows in the dryer for an hour, and just bagged some of them. I stripped out bed and had Hannah do the same with hers. I kept calling JT who was still working, but not answering his phone, because I needed the damn little combs and more trash bags. Then I sat down and greased the crap out of Haileys hair and put it back in the shower cap. I had to go do all the dishes (lots) so I could wash her hair in the sink later and I was washing in sheets and rotating pillows in the dryer as well. I wanted it done last night. I was up until almost 1am doing this stuff. I finally got the little kids to bed about midnight. JT did bring home a comb, made our bed and played on the computer while I did everything else. The laundry still isn't done. I still have to comb Haileys hair again today and wash it again. I'm taking no chances at all. I'm pretty sure she got it from a neighbor girl. She really hasn't been playing with anyone else to catch it. I'm really pretty ticked because the parents are the type that won't give a rats ass if she has it, unless the school refuses to let her go. They won't do anything if I suggest they check her for it. The girl went around for days in the same clothes all summer, the parents just don't care.

I'm all for making lemon aide when life gives you lemons but I've been given rotten tomatoes! I'm crying foul.

school

well our school year starts tomorrow. Hannah is doing an online school as well as two classes at the local public school. I am truly conflicted over this. part of me is relieved to not have to worry about planning her things and such. then I have my moments of frustration and sadness over it. I'm no longer in control of what or how she is learning things. Letting go of that is difficult. For one thing I find some of the public school curriculum to be truly a waste of time and very poorly done. I could do better in many areas but I also know that she is going to be taking classes that she will be getting better than I could give as well. Besides those concerns there is the fact that she just won't be a part of our family schooling much this year. It makes me sad. She won't be going to park days or field trips or just some of the fun things we do around the house. I am going to miss her being a part of those things. It already feels like a piece is missing. She's super happy to be doing this and I really do hope it works out the way she wants it to but I'm still gonna be sad about it some.

I've decided to try slightly more formal schooling with Jason and Hailey this year than I have in the past. We are officially starting tomorrow as well. It just seems less confusing for them this way. They are becoming aware of the different types of schooling, school year and such. It's fairly confusing to them and a bit frustrating. I'm hoping to alleviate some of that by sticking to a traditional school year as well as being a bit more formal in a little bit of school work everyday. that's my goal at least. I think it might eventually go down to three days a week as we mellow out. Tomorrow they are each going to make a calender of there own and play some games. Very simple. Our first unit study will be on Egypt.

Thoughts on PITA

I've just read an article on PITA and it's unhappy meals. These are mcnugget boxes with cut up rubber chicken parts and blood in. Oh can't leave out the freaky looking Ronald McDonald that's wheeling a knife and looks like he belongs in a slasher film. To an adult or even older child these unhappy meals my be fascinating or even fun. To the young crowd that typically gets the happy meal they are likely to be horrifying. I can't imagine my six year old Hailey being handed one of these and not crying. She would probably have nightmares to boot. Sure some little kids might think nothing of it or be able to blow off the words the twisted protesters are saying as they hand these out but not most. Sure my older kids would likely be asking them for extras to go home and have fun with. My older kids aren't their target when handing these twisted little packages out though, my little ones are.

This is just one more example of why I despise PITA. There desire to protect animals from cruel treatment is great. I'm pretty sure where they and I draw the line on cruel is different though. The fact that they use near terrorist tactics to achieve their goals and believe everybody should give up animal products or be subject to their bizarre, intrusive, and often counter productive behaviors shows me that protection of animals is probably not their main goal after all. I can't believe that any group would really believe that scaring little children by giving boxes of fake bloody chicken parts to them would actually do there message any good. It simply makes them look like a group of freaks hell bent on being twisted.

Parenting sucks right now

Hannah is sucking the joy right out of me almost daily with her new tude of "leave me alone I'm all drown up". The last half of this summer has consisted of drama, drama and more drama all from Hannah and her friends. Her friends are always here, they eat my food and leave messes behind, have fights with each other here, come to me for first aid (more often than you'd think), trash the house, couldn't stay quiet if I paid them. Of course Hannah is right in the middle of all this encouraging it.

On Wed she was going to meet a friend downtown for lunch at a restaurant she works at and then go to the mall. She was doing all of this on the bus but did ask if I'd pick her up from the mall. Getting her from the mall wasn't a problem with me and frankly I was a little happy because her boyfriend wasn't in on this outing. They are practically glued at the hips. I was glad she was doing something without him. So fast forward many hours and I get a call, it's Hannah. They missed the last bus and can I give Jessica a ride home when they get to our house (they offered to walk here). Jessica has no other way home since her grandma has no car so even though I didn't really wanna drive to her house I said ok. An hour later in walk the two girls and the two Austins. I said right away you didn't tell me they were with you as well and she just kinda laughs it off. It's not that I really cared who she was at the mall with or walking with (I could do without her boyfriend but that's me), I just did not think it was very nice of her to say her and Jessica were coming and then show up with the boys as well without even a heads up. It's freakin annoying. SO then they all proceed to the computer room where they are really loud, knocking each other off chairs, sitting on each other on chairs, screaming at times, knocked over the kittens food and water, knocked over some games and cards (into the water)and droping their drink cans and bottle on the floor where they left them. Then Hannah realises I made brownies and asks if they can have one. I told her they could each have one. It was a big 9 * 13 pan of them and the kids and I had only had one each, 3/4 of a pan was there still. When they got done (4 people) 1 1/2 was left! That really pissed me off because I had promised the other kids they could have another one later and that was just rudely piggish of them. Hannah knows better about all of this and her friends know better as well. I've also told her a bunch of times that she is held responsible for her guest behavior so she need to remind them of the rules or face the consequences for them. I ended up taking Jessica home with all of the kids in my van, that was annoying. I hadn't found the mess or brownie pan until we got back. At that point I exploded. Actually I think I controlled myself well. Her boyfriend was here but I really didn't care how embarrassed she was at that point. I told her everything that was wrong and that she was grounded for three days and would spend the next day cleaning the whole house because she was behaving like an ass. I might add that JT has been gone all week and she hasn't lifted a finger to even put her stuff away let alone anything else without me yelling at her first.

So now she has been grounded and she did do all the work I gave her that day but then proceeded to drop her personal stuff all over the house again and leave it there. Fast forward to this morning. I get up and all the little kids are up and doing loud messy things. Dishes, toys, clothes and trash are all over the house from the day before and a glass of something sticky is spilled on the coffee table and everyone has ignored it. There were six baskets of clean laundry lining the hallway that nobody had even thought to try and fold or put away. It defiantly did not make me smile at all. I cleaned up the coffee table, had the kids pick up there projects have breakfast and get dressed. While this was happening Hannah got up. I decided that since nobody wanted to help clean the house then they could all take their butts outside until I was done. At least that way I'd have some peace. I included the everybody to mean Hannah as well and let her know. About 20 minutes later she comes to me and says she needs to take a shower first. Uhm no her shower time is at night because her showers are 45 minutes long! So she argues with me and stomps away mad. Then she says she has nothing to do outside I said take a book. Nobody else was arguing with me even though Jason really wanted to be on the computer instead of outside and Hailey wanted to do art. So another 20 minutes or o passes and the others are outside, Hannah comes to me all dressed with a bookbag and tells me I'm going shopping". She's really lucky she has a head right now cause I wanted to pop it right off at that point. I had to remind her that she was grounded and couldn't go anywhere so no she was not going shopping at all, she was going to the yard. She then tells me it's not fair she'll have nothing to do and she is not a kid. Can you imagine the flame coming out my butt by this point. I was getting really pissed. Told her she was a child, she acted like a child so I treat her like a child and to get her butt outside NOW. I cleaned the whole house and then had all the kids come in and fold the laundry while I watched.

Then tonight Hannah is reading over some school papers that came and she starts to get very arrogant that they messed up because one of her classes isn't listed on the papers. I told her she is in the class, I have her schedule, not to panic. She tells me no I'm not, show me where on here it is. I look at the part of the paper that has the schedule listed and tell her it looks like it's just the first semester list I look at the rest in a few minutes. She still goes on about how it's messed up and goes back to reading the papers. Later I look at them and the first sentence of the paragraph proceeding the schedule says it is the fall schedule. I pointed this out to her and told her she needed to work on reading things all the way though before assuming things. She told me to just stop being down on her because I've been doing it all day. Well really what does she expect me to do just ignore her behavior or her words? So I continue to talk to her and agree that I have been lecturing her a lot and with reason. I'm talking she's rolling her eyes, cuts me off, tells me to stop, that I need to notice her trying to be responsible, organized and what not. When I told her to do it for more than five minutes at a shot and I would she rolled her eyes again (someday I'm gonna duct tape them in place I swear) and walks off. I told her she was grounded for two more days for being rude and walking off. She argued I added another day.

I'm realistic on the grounding. She's only grounded from going anywhere without the family, me or to a babysitting job, and from having anybody over here. She still has her phone and the computer so she's not dying by far but I bet she thinks I'm the mean wicked witch.

I know what is going on. She's having growing pains. She thinks she is independent, has "her own life", that I am interfering with my rules and expectations. She's figuring since she is getting school independent of me and maybe even getting to go onto the public school campus that she's all grown now and I should just leave her alone and let her do her thing like she was and adult. Problem is if she was an adult and acted this way I'd kick her ass out! Adults take responsibility, they behave courteously towards others and when they don't they get called an ass and if they live with others and behave like an ass they soon find themselves looking for solo accommodations. Not to mention adults don't call mommy to take their friends home!

Parenting is just really hard right now. It's hard to always be the enforcer. I'm tired of her pushing and pushing and pushing. I want a break. I want things to level off and for her to stop being such a brat right now. It would be much easier and less frustrating and even saddening to just give in to her but it would be right or good in the long run. Oh it'd be nice if she stopped treating her brothers and sister like shit as well.

Party life

I'm really having fun with our firepit. We have oddles of wood now. We've used it twice and I hope to a whole lot more. For ages I wanted a chimania, a firepit is better LOL.

Last night we a had just a few friends over for a winnie roast, smores and fireworks. We cooked the hotdogs right over the fire. Camping without the sleeping on the ground thing LOL! Hannah got to blow up a barbie doll. She's been planning that for a long time now. The littles all did sparklers and really seemed to have fun with those, although they were a pain in the ass to light. I also bought little tanks that they all got to light themselves. Well except Xavier, he went inside because he hates the noise of fireworks. He missed almost all of the fireworks. I Got to do the main show. I really like fieworks, they are pretty, sparkely and unpredicatable. Did some small things and a lot of fountians and they were all nice and pretty, a couple were pretty big and long as well. I kept having to move my chair (the safty zone) back further and further. At one point I was trying to light two at once and the first one went off before I could get the second one light. Sparks started going everywhere and I was in the middle of them. I survied that unharmed but for a minute I though my hair might be on fire. Later I burned myself with a damn punk, that stung for awhile. Suprisingly I was sober throughout this. I had one drink that I finished just as the fireworks were finishing. I didn't want JT doing the fireworks because he was pretty far gone and I'm the one who ends up doing stupid shit, go figure.

After everybody left, we put the littles in bed with a movie and JT and I went and sat in the pool for awhile. The water was cold but the alone time was nice. The little were up until at least 12:30, that was the last time I checked on them.

Tonight we are going to meet some friends at the park and watch the professionals do the fireworks. Proffesional might be stretching it a bit much though. Last year it was two of my uncles setting off the towns display LOL. It will be nice to just hang around the park, let the kids play and relax with friends while waiting on sky pretties.

In just a few short hours I will be officially 35 years old. I am not typically one to embrace turning another year older. This year is different, I am trully pretty happy to celebrate 35 years on the planet. I feel at peace and happy with it, maybe even rejuvinated.

I can't say life has hit some magical moment where all is so good that I just cna't help but be happy about my birthday, cause my life is far from magical. I seem to have more than my share of crappy days, crabby days, shitty days, WTF moments and how the hell do I fix this moments. Sometimes it feels like those outnumber the happy, peaceful, calm and carefree days and moments but I do enjoy my life for the most part. I'd love to be in a lot better health than I am at 35 but I'm not, I can't really change my health so I'm trying hard to accept it and the limitations it puts on my life.

I'm big into trying to accept and make the best of things lately, maybe that is why I am happily embracing 35. You can't realistically fight or ignore age so might as well get happy about it and find the good things in it.

I threw myself a nice party just last night and I was so happy to see everyone who came. It wasn't a party that will go down in the top ten of greatest parties but it was good anyway. People had fun, food, lots of drinking and a big fire. Someday I will throw one of those top ten best parties ever. Those kinds of parties where someone ends up dancing half naked (or all the way), or you end up shooting fireworks at each other, or you end up outside singing so loudly and badly the neighbors threaten make you shut up. I did those kind of parties when I was younger and I will again someday, I think LOL. I may be aging but my mind and spirit are definately not getting old!!!!

So here's to a great 35 years on the planet. I'm hoping to have at least another 35 years.

for moms of teens

This is far from politically correct and very raw. Enjoy it with a drink and pass it along.



Hello,

my name is mom, I will be your tour guide through the teen years. Other names you will know me as are bitch, cunt, witch and of course there is mommy, always applied when you would like me to bend over and take it up the ass for you again! Along this journey you will learn that there is no fair involved. Fair is what you pay for a bus or taxi ride it does not apply to our relationship. I am not you friend or equal do not ever forget that. There may be times when I grant you permission into my adult world but make no mistake about it, as you guide and mother I am always in charge.

As your mother I do not have to appear reasonable, sane or even kind to you at any given moment. As a matter of fact If I ever start to seem kind, reasonable and sane for any more than say a day, be very, very suspicious. You as a teen are very good at being suspicious and dramatic. It is one of your best and most common qualities, so work hard and don't let the the other teens down by ever acting any different.

As your mother I also reserve the right to make what appear to be completely arbitrary and unjust decisions regarding you. As a teen I fully expect you to frequently claim that I don't care, that I am not fair (remember that is for the bus darling), that it is all my fault, heck I'm even anticipating some you don't love me or you hate me statements (if I hated you then you really wouldn't have lived this long). As your guide and mother and once having been a teen I know these are all bullshit so I promise to try really hard not to take them any more personally than when you leave your crap all over the house for everyone else to deal with.

As your mother it is my job to love you, to worry about you, to be in your buisness, to help you grow into a strong, independant, well rounded and functioning adult who has wise judgement and can make sound decisions. This is not an easy job and the pay does suck. I will complain often about it, as is my right. It is not my job to coddle you, let you wear blinders or pat you on the back and congradulate you for being a dumbass. You will frequently be told such thing as "tough people in hell want ice water now get over it". This is because I love you more than all the stars in the sky but you are being a dumbass.

Well to Hell or rather I mean Life have a nice tour!!!!!!!!

Just letting the frustrations fly

I know I've blogged about JT company, the taxes and money issues before but it's just getting worse. I'm the one taking the hit for thier mistakes. Every single time he speaks to HR he is assured the problem is going to be taken care, the money will be returned blah blah blah. JT is really not good at remaining on top of things, being forcefull or even fully understanding what needs to be done at point A in order for point B to happen. Since it's his company I have to sit back and watch him not get things done. Last week he was promised that the taxes would be returned ASAP and possibly within a few days and that the whole tax form mess was now fixed. Ok so I wait paitently and by Wed nothing so I ask if he might contact them again to see what going on and such. He does call and is told that the person will look into it and get back to him. A couple calls later and this afternoon he's told he has to do a paper copy of the forms with his signature and get it back to them before they can do anything with the back taxes. WTF. Nobody mentioned this in the dozen of previous calls he made , not once. Last week he was promised it was fixed and he'd be getting the money back right away. Today they act as if it's his problem to fix and not thiers. I don't think we are ever going to see that money. He yealls at me for complaining to him that he's not staying on top of this and insisting to talk to someone that can do something about the problem they caused. Well hell it's only about a $1000 were talking about, no big deal, my mistake for thinking it might be important enough to get mad over! The more I think about it the angrier with him I am getting.

I just want to cry. I'm taking the kids to get a fucking Fathers Day present for JT because it's important to them not to let him down. This is the same idiot that didn't have them get me a damn thing for Mothers Day, he didn't even plan anything for them to do with or for me. While I'm squeezing money out for his gift I'm trying frantically to figure out how to have enough money to still have my birthday party (which I am throwing and planning all by myself because he's not interested enough). I look forward to a birthday party with friends all year long and I wanna do it nice and right. I don't want ot cancle it but it's on the might have to list.

I shouldn't be angry at JT as he didn't cause this problem but really I am. He doesn't even seem to care that once again if something has to go it's gonna be something for me. He just accepts it as if someone told him the price of gas went up again. I guess he just expects me to be the one always giving up and doing without, now it's normal.

Ok rant over. Off to perform a another mirical with money.

Parenting I just don't understand

I read a lot of debate boards and I probably shouldn't because they just end up pissing me off a lot.

I was reading a topic on a stay at home vs working mom board (very hostile place to be) on the topic of who has a needs for outside summer care for thier tweens and young teens and should they be alone for long periods of time durning the day if they can't be supervised and have thier days structured.

Ok first off how the hell is it not a no brainer that work status plays the defining role in if the average family is going to actually need outside care for a child (of any age) that they don't feel should be left alone. I mean really in one group parents are going to be gone for 8 - 10 hours a day to work so they simply can't be the one there caring for thier kids. In the other group it is the parents job to stay home and care for the kids. The parents working outside the house have a need for outside care while the parents staying home have no need. Of course it is based on if you go away to work or not. I think people have forgotten how the heck to tell a difference between a need and a want. If a SAHP signs thier kids up for all summer daycamp because they want to do other things in the summer but don't want to either include the kid or don't eant the kids home alone then it is a want not a need. This seems so simple to me to put a yes or no answer to but thousands of post on this tell me maybe I just have to much common sense.

Some of the parents were arguing that all the parents they knew (working or SAH) sent thier kids to camps and signed them up for lots of activities to avoid having down time because children needed thier days structured all the time, even in the summer. I used to think it was just a random parent here and there that though thier 12 - 16 year old kids had to have every moment of every day formally structured and planned out. Now I am thinking I'm the odd parent out for not thinking this way.

This seems like such a crule way to raise children. Kids a generation (or two or three) ago didn't need all this structure and direct supervision at all times (especially by miidle school). Yeah camps can be fun for kids who actually like them. In general kids don't care for any kind of camps that are forced on them five days a week for 8 - 10 hours a day. It really really loses it fun nature by that point. Same goes for ubber little activities (golf, swim lessons, tennis training, tutoring, art classes, nature classes)that a parent may insist upn filling thier childs day with in order to provide all that stucture. Camp and classes used to be something you maybe got to do for a week or so in the summer if you were lucky and really wanted to. Summer used to be a time when kids could relax from structure, do their own things, enjoy a lot of pretty lazy days, wake up in the morning without a schedual and a day planned by the clock. Even kids whos parents worked didn't live with the ubber structure I am seeing parents of today put their kids through. I really don't think in the last 20 -30 years kids have changed so much they they can't function for a couple months without being on a schedual that tells them when to eat, when to pee and when to play. I think parenting has changed a lot though.

Parents have gone insane trying to cover thier childs evry waking moments with something for them to do. They do this from babyhood on up through college practically. There are classes parents can take to help them learn to schedual thier babies playtime more effectivly! They live in fear of what will happen if thier kids spend days deciding what to do and when to do it. They fear that it will be watching movies, playing video games, playing outside unsupervised or heck even just spending hours laying about with a good book. To me this sounds like heaven but for a a whole lot of parents it is terrifying. To have down time, enjoy something of your chosing without schedualing it, to in general enjoy the lazy days of summer means thier kids will get into trouble, turn out bad, or rot thier brains. To me it means my kids are learning independance, how to entertain themselves, how to manage their own time, how to fix mistakes they make on thier own and the joy of having a slow do nothing day. These things are so important. Sure as kids get older having a lot of time to do things of their chosing, especially if they have no adult home for a large amount of time regularly, can mean they get into trouble and do some stupid stuff and some really stupid stuff. Of course sometimes the best learning lessons come when we get into trouble and do stupid stuff. There is also a happy balance to be found between having every waking moment planned out for you and being allowed to run wild with no checks and balances. You don't have to go to either exteem to raise healthy happy kids. If I had to chose though, I'd go with the let run wild. I'd rather my kids have the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them, than chance that they don't have enough freedom to learn to make decisions and mistakes for themselves. I want my kids to function well in all kinds of situations as adults not stumble because someone told them to use thier own judgement, decision making and planning skills and they really had none to use. Anyone can learn to follow a schedual fairly quickly and easily (liking it is another story), but learning to use your own judgement well and effectivily is a practiced skill that you build on with time and experience. If you have always had everything planned out for you and told what to do then you can't just suddenly have good judgement and decsin making skills because someone says it is now part of life.

Todays parents seem ubber screwed up at times. Not saying I'm perfect but so many parts aren't parenting at all. They are planning and schedualing. It's just not good for the kids. Sure people (including kids) like to know what is going to be happening but not down to the minute and kids like adults really do like to do the planning of thier own time. Summer should be a kids own time as much as possible.

Freaking stupid ass damned unnamed company

For four pay periods JT company has royally screwed up his paycheck. Overtime and oncall/standby pay has simply been missing, and worse they have messed up his tax rate and are taxing him at a single rate with no dependants! I am so mad and frustrated I could easily call them up and scream every god damn curse word I know or hae ever made up at them, but it would not make things any better. It would probably make things worse.

Despite phone calls and emails where the HR department has taken the blame for the tax mess up and promised to fix it and refund him the missing taxes, nothing has been done. He doesn't have a local HR or even a local office to go to and get to the bottom of this. It was $400 dollars in taxes this paycheck (and almost as much in t he previous ones), that's our grocery money and so much more! The HR department has even taken the blame and promised to correct it in writting and still they don't!

Then there is the ovetime and stand by pay. His boss has to approve this, he's had to fight for some of it, and then his boss has just not approved some of it in time for payroll. If it's not approved it doesn't go on the paycheck. Some of the missing overtime was on this paycheck but who could tell with all the damn taxes taken out.

I am so sick of this. I can't budget for anything. We had to go over the bank account last time to just cover bills and very basic groceries because the money he earned wasn't there. Between uber taxes and the overtime and standby pay not being there it was a very small paycheck. His company sure as hell isn't picking up the tab for the overdraft fees even though it's there fault. This one was suppose to be a big one where all the mistakes were fixed and the missing money was there. It didn't happen. Now I'm left juggeling bills, deciding what I can put off to pay, which is nothing, so the lack of $ means the household budget takes the hit! This means no extras like Jasons shoes, a working vacumn, gas for the van, Fathers Day and birthday stuff, probably even produce and cereals. I see a lot of beans and pasta again. Not that those are bad food but 5 - 6 times a week means nobody really enjoys them anymore.

Stupid company better be damn glad they don't have a local office because I'd probably going insainly postal on there asses over this. Really I want to cry trying to figure out how to budget with money that simply isn' there.......again.

Xaviers allergies

A few weeks ago we started another food trial with Xavier. We added dairy and soy back into his diet. We have still kept peanuts from him but I may be brave and try them soon.

So far we have only seen some minor negative effects with the dairy and we can't be certian that it was from the dairy. Once he ate macaroni and cheese and then a few hours later had really bad gas and he's had some other minor tummy problems as well a time or two but not directly tied to anything he ate. It's very hard to say if it's the dairy or not, but I lean towards not. He's been eating pretty much anything he wants but we are still keeping him on soy and rice milks (he's doing wonderfully with soy milk now). I'm a little concerned that the allergy has morphed into lactose intollerance and since direct dairy, especially milk is a big problem causer for that I feel better keeping him with the soy or rice. Really he only drinks a cup of milk once in awhile and then uses it on cereal so it's not a big thing at all.

He is really confused by being allowed to eat some things now and he simply won't do more than taste anything with cheese in it. He got really really good at knowing what was and was not safe and remebering to ask before he ate something new. Now we are telling him to try the things that we said weren't safe and he's more than a bit confused. Cheese is a big thing because it's so visable, that and the type of butter. He knows he wasn't allowed anything with cheese and tht he even had a special butter. Now to be told to eat the cheese and use the other butter, well it's caused more than one arguement over safe foods with him. I haen't been able to convince him to take more than a bite of something with cheese on it yet. I don't know if it's because he doesn't like the taste or he's afraid I'e lost my mind and he's going to get sick.

I had really given up hope that he would ever outgrow the allergies since most kids who do, do it by the age of two and he's 3 1/2. Just a few months ago we did a small food trial and he was reacting pretty badly so I expected the same this time around. I really am relieved that he seems to have moved away from the allergy part. I'm holding my breath a bit though because one of the biggest secondary allergy effects from dairy is fluid build up in the ears which leads to ear infections and hearing loss. He's had big problems with this in the past and it doesn't show up right away, sometimes takes weeks for the build up to be bad enough and have enough bacteria growth to show an infection. He had sever hearing loss at one point from this that they could not tell me if it would be perminate or not. I still don't know how much hearing loss he has, but it's much bette than before. if the ear infections show up he will be back off all dairy again for awhile. I can't hae hime going through those over a food.

So eerybody keep your fingers crossed and do a quiet little happy dance that he really has outgrown the allergy. We can sooooo live with lactose intollerance over the allergy.

Vaccation Bible school

I am not an organized religion person. I think of myself as Christian but I'm sure others would strongly disagree with me. I was raised Christian. My grandfather (closest I ever had to a father) was a minister. I developed my faith from him but he died befpre I really got strong enough to start questioning that faith. I wish he was around because I am certian he could have given me the feedback I need at times when I question all faiths or if there even is a God. I have days, many days, where I trully don't think there is a GOD as in the one that the christian faith believes in. Lately I've been seriously questioning the existance of Jesus as more than just a person. I haven't believed the bible is more than an amusing collection of twisted stories put together to suit the church, for a very long time. I do believe that parts of it have a basis in reality, but parts of it are way to off the wall insane to think they were put in there for any reason other than to control certian parts of the population.

I don't tell my young kids this though, or even much of it to Hannah. I really don't want to taint thier views either way. When they have questions I answer them. I also let them participate in faith based actiities that they chose to, with some restrictions. The last two summers Hailey and Jason have done VBS programs. Hannah did many of these, church summer camps and went to church regularly for a long time. I'm starting to wonder how wise the VBS idea is for them though. Last year I was hesitant but they went to a program at the church we used to attend. I left it because of political differences not because of the message being sent. Some very good friends were helping to run it and I knew what program they were using. I even stayed most of the time because the kids wanted me to. Even in that situation though we ended up with some confusing ideas coming from the messages. Things were said, things were misunderstood, kids didn't realise they were misunderstanding so they didn't ask questions. I had to striaghten a few things out. At the time it made me mad and I considered not letting them do it again. I think I forgot about all that over time because I've let them go to another one this year and we have problems.

Hailey and Jason have gone to a VBS at a church in or nieghborhood that is nondenominational and I'm sort of aquainted with. I felt comfortble letting them go. It only happens one evening a week. This last week when I picked up the kids Jason was trying to memorize a bible verse to say for some prize. That was a tiny bit annoying because I don't think children should be memorizing verses for the sake of memorizing, they learn and understand nothing that way. I let it go because he didn't seem bothered by it. then on the way home I was walking and talking with Hailey. She was telling me what they did and what she "learned". She is terribly afraid of storms, tornados in particular. She told me that during the last big storm when she was so scared that she should have prayed to God and he would have stoped the storm. This set of warning bells for me so I asked her why she thought that becuase it wasn't true. She told me it was, her teacher told her it was. Speifically that if when you are really scared, like during a storm, if you pray to God and ask him to stop it he will. I could have dropped this but it angered me. I spent my whole childhood praying to God to stop the bad things happening to me and nothing ever stopped. I did it because various church people and clasess told me to, whennothing ever came of it I alway thought i wasn't worthy or had done something to cause the bad things and God wanted it that way. No way in Hell I'm gonna let my kids go through life thinking "God" takes away the bad things because somtime they are going to ask something of God and it's not going to happen, then what? I told Hailey that her teacher was very wrong, God doesn't take away bad and scary things because you ask. I tried to explain faith and spiritual strength but she was clearly upset. She asked me if I even believed in God. When I told her sometimes I do and sometimes I don't she cried and said she couldn't like me anymore because I didn't believe in God. That was a real hold the freaking presses moment. Not only wasn't I going to let her start thinking a prayer was going to make bad things go away I also wasn't going to let her start detemining who she could or couldn't like based on what the hell they believed in! Some of mine and her best friends have no belief in God at all. That was another heated conversation where I was trying hard not to come across as angry but I think I failed. I was not angry at Haiey, I hurt for her confusion, I was angry at the church for helping plant these crappy ideas in her head. JT had to have us table it for awhile. I did manage to tell her that it isn't right to like or not like a person for not believing in something you did and if she wanted to believe in God she could but that didn't mean anybody else had to and she could talk to me about God anytime she wanted, even read the bible. Unfortunatly Jason saw the writting on the wall and started crying that I wasn't going to let them go back. He had a really good time, took nothing of the religiouis message with him, but liked the kids crafts and snacks. This is major for him because he never wants to be with other kids. I feel badly for him. I haven't said they can't go again but I really really want to. I also really really want to go chew out the VBS staff.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do because letting them go or not isn't cut and dried to me. For JT I thik itis easier, he'd not let them go and not think twice about it, certianly no guilt over it. Me on the other hand I would feel guilt. They enjoy the activities and other kids a lot. It's only for and hour and a half once a week. Then there is the twisted, confusing and wrong message they are getting from it. Well actually it just seems to be Hailey not Jason. That confused interpretation of faith is the biggest part of why I am not a part of any organized religion. Of course without exposer to organized religions you can't really make a good decision on if you want to be apart of one or not. Why can't they just stick with the jesus love you song and crafts at VBS? Really why do they need to give inappropriate and wrong messages to little kids? I might just forget that it's VBS day this wendsday, they might forget to. Of course there is the other churches VBS coming up that they already know about and are really looking forward to because they did "cool" things there last year. If I keep forgetting about these thigs I think they are going to catch on that I'm avoiding them. I suppose I can have a lot more talks with the kids about what I believe vs what aothers beliee and how we just don't judge or condem anyone based on a belief we disagree with. Then I can just let the chips fall where they may. I'm not sure that's any better than avoiding the issue though. No matter what I do I am gonna have guilt and worry issues in a big way.

Next year no VBS at all. I'm tired of going through this mental crap. We will just always be to busy LOL.

No more chores

Yesterday was a very frustrating day for me. I was yelling and nagging a lot at the kids because they weren't taking responsibilty for putting there own things away. I had asked Hannah three times in the morning to put her bedding back on her bed from the sleepover the night befor and it never happened. I told Jason and Hailey to pick up there room and they fought and fought so I had to get in there with them. Jason had his bedding and pillows all over the room again and Hailey had taken out a ton of toys and things form under her bed and then just left them on the floor mixed in with laundry. I'd had enough. Jason and Hannahs bedding was removed as well as all the clothes Hannah had wadded in her dresser drawers that were all open and about to fall out (did I mention she had just had me take her to the mall), and the big pile of mess Hailey had made were all taken away. I figured if they weren't going to take better care of it than that, then they really could stand to miss it for awhile.

Days like yesterday happen more and more often around here. All the big kids have chores that take somewhere between 5 and 15 minutes a day to do. No a a lot really but it keeps them participating in the daily upkeep of the house which I feel is a family responsibilty and is important to me. Sadly in order to get the kids to do the chores or really anything I do a lot of reminding, nagging and yelling. Over the years I've tried different things from money to charts to get the kid to do the chores and take care of thier things without me nagging, yelling and reminding them all the time. Nothing has worked. My goal is to get them to see a mess and pick it up, put thier own things away and in general learn to take care of the house as a family, but it hasn't been working out to well. After yesterday I decided to look at it differently and make everything optional fo them with some good and bad consequenses attached, because everything in life has consequences. I decided to make most of the millions of things they think are must have, but are really extras, become optional as well. I worked up a chart of a couple dozen household things that get done every day around here and a chart of extra things like computer, movies, play station, chaufering, sleepovers, earning stuff back and such. Everything has points assigned to it to either earn or use. I also listed a few basic things that might cause someone to lose points like not picking up after themselves or not doing something that was asked of them. It's now completely up to each child if they wish to do anything at all in the way of household stuff.If they don't work for the points thoguh they won't have points to get things back, do the extra fun things or have me do extra things for them. Each of them has a chart for the week and we are going to try this for a month to see if it improves things around here some.

This morning I called all the kids together and told them they had no more chores. Jason and Hailey shouted for joy, Hannah looked skeptical and sort of like she thought I'd lost my mind. Then I expained my plan and why. They asked a bunch of questions and overall seemed to be ok with the plan. I figured they might pick a couple things on the list to do and then stop until they actually wanted to do something they needed points for. They have suprised me by doing almost everything on the list already this morning. Hailey wanted to do more but ran out of things she could do. Jason is loving the points becuase he wants the most lol. Hannah hasn't complained and has just been doing stuff, of course she has the most need for points since she is the one that has the most wants. Since Hailey and Jason can't really read the lists on thier own it has been annoying to have to constantly read what needs to be done for them but I'll take that over yelling and nagging any day.

I hope this works. Jason is once agian adding his points up and deciding what to do with them lol.

My very productive day

Today has simply been one of those days where I actually got a whole lot done, as opposed to just wanting to get it done. It feels really really good to have accomplished so much and yet I know I am going to pay for it tommorow and probably days later.

Last night we were up really late watching Mall Cop. I recomend it for kids not so much for adult, to much of a lame plot and canned comedy. I thought that would mean everybody would sleep in. Uhm no this morning X was up a tad past seven! JT got up with him and tried to let me sleep. He is rather noisey in his version of try but he did try. I was up by seven-thirty.

It was a really beautiful morning so I didn't waste it. I jumped right in getting stuff done.

I have a small garden plot with tomatoes and peper plants and some planters. Today I finally got the mulch on the plot, the cages around the plants, another tiny plot dug and the planters where I wanted them. I still need more cages and mulch. It actually looks like a garden now though. The yard where it is has been used by people to drive on and dump thier trah on for awhile before we got here and is not exactly ideal to make a garden so this is a big step for us. The sil seems good enough since it was growing a huge huge crop of wild onions. We put up a fence to put a stop to people actually driving on the lawn as well, but not today.

I also managed to get enough hose length to got from the back to the front a bit so that I could set up the wadding pool.The pool was gross dirty and had to be scrubed out big time. I also had to rake the sticks up from the yard as best as I could to make a spot for it. I got it filled up and the little kids were very happyabout that.

Later I went to Wally World all alone. I went for three things and came back with many more. Found fresh corn at a fantastic price so had to get a lot. I also got some tree lopers. When I got home I made a lot of use of the lopers. I have a huge amount of lopped off branches now and am much happier with the look of our foresty yard. It was really exhausting work but it felt so so good to do it. Tommorow the kids are going to drag them all into one pile outside the fence.

For dinner I grilled chicken, steak, and hotdogs and steamed fresh corn on the cobb. Oh I had been slow cooking baked beans all day as well but I forgot about them when it was dinner time. Tried a made up marinade on the chicken that was fantastic but I'm not sure I can duplicate it which sucks.

JT got called out just before I put things on the grill which sucked big freaking time. I'm tired of everything always being interupted by his job. it's not like they pay a fortune to make up for the inconvience either.

The kids watched tv while I did the cooking and then we ate really well. After we ate we roasted marshmellows and made smores. Xavier insisted on doing his own marshmellow. Hailey decided she should roast one just for the ants! Then Jason wanted to go swimming again and of course X and Hailey did to.

After I go the food put away and Hailey and X into bed Jason started asking about me cutting his hair again. He has been asking for over a month and things have been to crazy, and now I haven't been able to find the hair scissors. He's been really paitent though so tonight I just grabed an extra pair of sewing ones and did it. It would have been so much easier with the clippers but he hates the feel and noise of them. I really have no idea what I am doing when I cut hair on the kids. I just kinda start and keep shaping it as I go. I'm much better with the clippers. I had to touch it up three times after he would go look in the mirror, but finally he was very happy with it. it definately doesn't look like a pro did it but it's not terrible either.

Then Jason went to bed, I checked my cousins, sons, website for an update on his cancer treatments (he's hanging in there), and grated a bar of soap for the laundry soap I'm going to make tommorow.

I feel like so much was accomplished today. It was even better because Hannah did a lot as well, without a complaint and JT did a bunch of little things so I didn't have to.

I feel really good but tired right now. I think I'm going to pay a heavy price for all this productiveness, tommorow but I'll deal with it then.

Life and random things I feel like sharing

We are completely moved, have been for a week now. I can not stress how much I hate moving. My body is not handeling the stress, both physical and mental, of the move very well. Lots of pain, but I am doing my best to keep working through it. I take lots and lots of breaks. If I take a few days off things will snowball into way to much work because we are still unpacking and finding places for stuff. I have found places for lots of things though and I think the unpacking is going pretty well. For the most part we are no longer living out of boxes anymore. Stuff is just not very organized or usuable in a lot of areas. Things like my sewing machine, extra bathroom stuff, lots of books, the extra tv and playstation, and so many holiday dishes and bakeware that I am still confused as to where to put. There simply isn't much in the way of storage, closets or cupboards in this place.

Accomplishments so far are getting the swingset up, lawn mowed, fence on the garden side up, clothesline up, tons of poison ivy down, phoneline strung to the computer room,and grden plots dug.

The yard here is huge and we seem to be attracting the whole neighborhood of kids. So far they all seem nice and behave themselves. There is a park about a block and a half down the street and Jason is really really wanting to be able to go to it on his own. It's very common for kids his age and younger to wander the whole area on thier own but I'm still hesitant to let him. He's only eight and I'm not terribly sure he's ready for the independance yet. Sometimes I do think I shelter him to much but I just want him to be safe. A part of me is excited he's showing an interest in making friends and being independant. My biggest arguement has been that he doen't have a watch so he won't know when to come home or check in. To counter this he has repetedly asked to borrow my phone so then he'll know what time it is lol. No way he's getting my phone but I'm thinking of a watch.

Hailey has made friend with a little girl across the street named Roberta. She's a nice little girl but I'm already getting tired of keeping track of what time she is suppose to be home when they are playing in the yard. She'll come over and ask to play and then tell me she has to be home in twenty minutes or at 6:00 which means I then have to pay attention to the clock for her. This happens a couple times a night. She lives right across the street, if they want her home at a certian time why don't they just stand on the porch and give a yell for her or walk over to our yard, or buy her a watch lol.

On other fronts JT and I are still not getting along. Although he has sincerly appologized for Friday nights freak out. Now I'm not always the funnest to be around but he is just a giant puss filled ass most of the time these days. It's next to imoossible for any of us to get along with him. He's constantly getting angry about one thing or another. It makes me wish he wasn't here a lot. He always seems like he is looking for a fight to pick. Earlier he was yelling at Xavier for watching him (and spotting all the worms)when he was diggin up part of the garden. He tried to pick a fight with me over the laundry room door being closed. Maybe he has PMS or something. I know his job is stressing him but the way he's acting is really crappy and childish most of the time. This is nothing new I just wish it would stop sooner rather than later.

For Mothers Day the little kids made me cards and Hannah made me paper flowers. JT cooked me breakfast and then woke me up to eat it in bed (would have been really nice if it didn't take me forever to actually be able to move and wake up in the first place). I then spent the rest of the day cleaning the whole damn house and working in the yard. Not exactly the best mothers day I've ever had. Hailey was really really happy to make and give me a card though. Her happiness over it was better than the card itself and kinda made up for the lack of anything remotely special about the day.

Hannah hasbeen gradually becoming much more greedy, selfish and entitled. I think I've enabled this behavior to a point to. She has stopped asking to do things and has just started to tell me she is going to do this or that, needs a new this or that and needs money for this or that. For my sanity and her health (because I was gonna kill her), I closed moms taxi service and bank for the summer. I made it clear to her that I would not be funding anything from swimsuits to even bus fair and that if she wanted to get somewhere she'd have to arrange it with someone else from now on (ecxept in the situation of a job or volunteering). I have also told her she has one month to either get a job or start volenteering somewhere or I cut of her cell phone, which I just reactivated and am paying for. I told her she needs to be doing something out of the house, besides hanging with friends, for at least ten hours a week and it can't be a class I have to pay for. It will be good for her and ten hours a week is nothing really. I think she will begin to appreciate her free time and any money she makes so much more this way. She'll also learn some better time mangement and personal responsibilty out of it. So far she is leaning towards a job. She's been printing of applications and asking me all kinds of questions on how to fill them out. I'm not sure how much of a chance she has at getting a job but I'll continue to encourage her to try. I know she could find a ton of volunteer oportunities out there but I don't think she wants to give her time away for free. She's become pretty selfish and developed a very high opinion of herself lately. A minimum wage job where she is is the low guy should take care of that pretty quick lol. I love her but she is nowhere near as entitled as she thinks she is!

I'm mad at the Prick

The title pretty musch sums this one up. The target of my anger has ordered that i leave him out of my blog. Yeah that helped my anger towards him sooooo much, the prick! So for this blog I will just refere to him as the prick.

I have never been shy about my opnion that pot should be legal since it is much safer than a cigerette and no more harmful than a beer. both those things are legal so what the hell is up with pot being illgal.I've also never made my use of it a secret. Every single time the subject of pot has come up the prick has never come across as jusdgemental. He's always been clear it isnn't for him, he doesn't like it, he's not comfortable with it around the kids but it was fine for other people.

Tonight I went to spend some time with friends and I was very clear it would be there. He said go, have a good time, consider it your mothers day gift. So I went and I enjoyed myself. I make no appologies for anything, it was very nice.

I came home he was still in the same crapy mood he was in when I left. Infact he was so consumed with his own crappy mood that he didn't bother to ask Hannah how her night had gone and thus he had no idea her entire bag, with expensive things in it, had been stolen!

At one point he asked if I toked and when I saud yes you could see he was mad so I asked if he had a problen with that and he said a little but he'd get over it. I was very confused and a bit upset at that so i walked away and left him alone. We've had more conversations about potthan I can count and he's never had a problem with others doing it, it just isn't for him. He's even shared the opinion that maybe it should be made legal. He had no problem with me going, it has been no secret that I enjoy smoking and have done so before. What the heck was he thinking I was going to do and what is his problem now?

So a little bit later he comes out to me completly attacking me as if I just commited a murder! It came completly out of left feild. He is all over me because I did something illegal, and what kind of example was i setting for the kids by doing something illegal. Is he an idiot or just a jerk because I am always talking about how it should be legal and the fact that just because something is illegal doesn't mean it's wrong. What the hell doesn't even begin to describe what I was thinking as the the prick was going on and on. Frankly I think I'm setting a great example for our kids (even though none of then were even there). I believe the laws against pot are wrong, unjust and based on falsehoods. If I beleive a law is incorrect, morally wrong, or unjust then I will not follow it. I will not put blind faith in the system that simply because they put a law on paper that it is a good or correct law. If people did that then where would we be with womens rights, cival rights and child labor in this country. I think making a decision based on facts, a moral stance and with my eyes wide open sets a pretty good example for my kids no matter what the subject might be. The whole times he's picking this fight his only arguement was that it was illegal and if it's illegal it must be bad for you. It was clear there was no independant thhought in him at all over this. It was also clear that the prick had been talking out his ass on this before.

Finally he appologised for his attacking but he kept on the subject like he was looking for another way to argue. He didn't seem to care for the fact tat I wasn't taking the bait. At one point it occured to him that I would be blogging about this so he ordered me to leave him out of my blog. So he went from treating me like a leaper that had just commited murder to throwing out orders in an attempt to squash my free speech. Amazingly he;s not really understanding why i'm not happy with him. So now he's not in this blog, the prick is instead. I am unbelievably mad at the freaking prick and I encurage others to be as well. Where the hell does he get off acting this way. I don't intend to make any secret of my anger because I feel like he's been lying to me and totally blowing off everything I've ever had to say on this subject.

The judgemental prick is in deep do do this time. I don't care what the hell he says now, how am I susppose to believe him and not wonder if it's not jsut lip service again. hell he can't even think of one dangerous thing about poit that would be a reason to keep it illegal and I was much much more sober with it than I would have been after a few drinks which are legal.

Where has all the play in early childhood gone???

It is spring time, which is the traditional time for parents to start planning and applying to preschools and kdg for the following year. I am very non traditional. We don't use preschools or even schools but there was a time when we did. I remember those times with a bit of a cold shiver. My only child to have attend a preschool or traditional school kdg did so 10 - 12 years ago. I wasn't so impressed with how the push for less play and more structured academics was then. Today I am shocked and scared for kids futures. I read a comment the other day that a persons child had scored really well on there end of year preschool testing. This was for a three year old child. It prompted me to take yet another look at just where early childhood education is in this country.

Early childhood is thought of from birth to age 8. Yes really age 8 not say 3 which is where i get the feeling a lot of people who put the end of early childhood. Before age five or six should be a time when a child focuses on play, getting to know the world around them, social and self help skills not academics. If academics enter the picture it should be in a play formate and because a child is interested not because it was on the schedule and someone decided that in order to preform better on a test at ten they needed to be reading by five.

A very scary trend seems to be happening where children are having to give up play and parts of there childhoods and replace it with academic circle times, seat work, and standardized tests very early. As early as three. Ages ago it was just the ubber competative parent that was pushing reading, writting and arithmatic on thier three year olds so they could be fast tracked into the right schools. Now days it's become common!

Children entering pre K programs are being tested for academic skills before entering! They are three and four year olds they shouldn't have academic skills. They should know what there favorite story is, Have a favorite animal, be able to dig in the dirt or sand, know how to go down a slide, how to squish the playdough, how to cut paper into a million tiny pieces and then use glue to stick it to stuff, make a great and messy painting, maybe have developed a love for go fish or candyland but not academic skills. A child that knows there alphabet (in more than one language as well), can count to 100, draw six shapes on request, identify all the colors on the color wheel, and know the presidents should be an exeption not the expectation. I may be exagerating ther a bit but not by much.

Standardized testing in kdg classrooms is becoming normal. A standardized test where you sit down with a paper test packet and pencil and fill in the blanks or bubbles for five year olds??????? I guess that's what happens when pre K is where you are suppose to still for long amounts of time, and enter knowing your shapes, colors, full name, how to share, and the majority of your letters and numberS. Heck that used to be the list of things you needed to master by the end of kindergarden. By Kindergarden they then expect you to write short stories, do dailey worksheets of math problems, and if you can't read by November you are labled as behind and in danger of failing.

Don't get me started on my thoughts about homework for the sake of homework, for the under twelve crowd. Pre K and Kdg kids have weekly worksheet homework packets to complete in addition to all the worksheets they do at school. Assigned worksheets are not developmentally appropriate for this group, free style coloring and writting is!

Recess is disapearing as well. All day kindergardens often only have one 30 minute break for it a day. 1st and second graders have even less and sometimes none. Move on up a grade or two and it's common for recess to be a purely optional activity based on the workload of the day or the teachers desire to provide it. Little bodies need to move and they need to do it a lot! Adults think and work better when they have breaks to talk to someone or strtch thier legs and just have a few moments of downtime so why on earth would people begin to think children can do without it and funtion anywhere near normally?

I watched a news special on inovative teaching techniques. It involved several classrooms where teachers had adopted some form of physical movement into the lessons. It went on to say how the kids learned better when they were able to wiggle, bounce and jump. Great bit DUH. Kids are like energizer bunnies they have more energy than they know what to do with and it distracts even the most interested kid from absorbing anything, when did people lose sight of this fact? Instead of spending money on exercise balls, special wiggle foot peddels on desk, and all kinds of tramploines and jumpropes for the classroom why not just add recess back into the day. I'll be brazen and say they should have three or four recesses or decompression free times. I remember having three recesses in grade school, every single day. Morning, lunch and afternoon. We also had PE at least every other day. Even as a ten year old I remember being ready to burst out of my skull by the time each recess came along because I just needed out of my seat and away form the books, chalkboards and trying to focus on what the teacher was saying.

With lack of recess, hyper focus on early academics and paper seat work, craming so much into the day of older kids that they never get to leave there desks until lunch of a bathroom break it's no wonder teachers are complaining about classroom control and kids behaviors. I think educators in this country have lost sight of appropriate developmental abilities for children. Heck at times I think they have forgotten they are dealing with children all together. I know a whole lot of parents have. Kids are not tiny adults, they don't function or think like them. they can not process and handle high preasure demands they way adults do. Pushing three and four year olds into academics, listing five years olds as failing for not reading or giving them standardized tests, taking away recess and replacing it with another math lesson for six and seven year olds and, repalcing recess with group activities and bouncing on an excercise ball while listening to a history lesson for old kids is most definately high preasure and stress for kids.

I would like to burn every single standardized test in the world and then deleate them from all the computers. Then we could start over from scratch and maybe realize we are destroying kids in this country by pushing academics younger and young all in the name or our worshing the almighty standardized test.

The more I learn the more I know we are doing the best thing for our children by not putting them in that kinda childhood removing rat race.