Vaccation Bible school

I am not an organized religion person. I think of myself as Christian but I'm sure others would strongly disagree with me. I was raised Christian. My grandfather (closest I ever had to a father) was a minister. I developed my faith from him but he died befpre I really got strong enough to start questioning that faith. I wish he was around because I am certian he could have given me the feedback I need at times when I question all faiths or if there even is a God. I have days, many days, where I trully don't think there is a GOD as in the one that the christian faith believes in. Lately I've been seriously questioning the existance of Jesus as more than just a person. I haven't believed the bible is more than an amusing collection of twisted stories put together to suit the church, for a very long time. I do believe that parts of it have a basis in reality, but parts of it are way to off the wall insane to think they were put in there for any reason other than to control certian parts of the population.

I don't tell my young kids this though, or even much of it to Hannah. I really don't want to taint thier views either way. When they have questions I answer them. I also let them participate in faith based actiities that they chose to, with some restrictions. The last two summers Hailey and Jason have done VBS programs. Hannah did many of these, church summer camps and went to church regularly for a long time. I'm starting to wonder how wise the VBS idea is for them though. Last year I was hesitant but they went to a program at the church we used to attend. I left it because of political differences not because of the message being sent. Some very good friends were helping to run it and I knew what program they were using. I even stayed most of the time because the kids wanted me to. Even in that situation though we ended up with some confusing ideas coming from the messages. Things were said, things were misunderstood, kids didn't realise they were misunderstanding so they didn't ask questions. I had to striaghten a few things out. At the time it made me mad and I considered not letting them do it again. I think I forgot about all that over time because I've let them go to another one this year and we have problems.

Hailey and Jason have gone to a VBS at a church in or nieghborhood that is nondenominational and I'm sort of aquainted with. I felt comfortble letting them go. It only happens one evening a week. This last week when I picked up the kids Jason was trying to memorize a bible verse to say for some prize. That was a tiny bit annoying because I don't think children should be memorizing verses for the sake of memorizing, they learn and understand nothing that way. I let it go because he didn't seem bothered by it. then on the way home I was walking and talking with Hailey. She was telling me what they did and what she "learned". She is terribly afraid of storms, tornados in particular. She told me that during the last big storm when she was so scared that she should have prayed to God and he would have stoped the storm. This set of warning bells for me so I asked her why she thought that becuase it wasn't true. She told me it was, her teacher told her it was. Speifically that if when you are really scared, like during a storm, if you pray to God and ask him to stop it he will. I could have dropped this but it angered me. I spent my whole childhood praying to God to stop the bad things happening to me and nothing ever stopped. I did it because various church people and clasess told me to, whennothing ever came of it I alway thought i wasn't worthy or had done something to cause the bad things and God wanted it that way. No way in Hell I'm gonna let my kids go through life thinking "God" takes away the bad things because somtime they are going to ask something of God and it's not going to happen, then what? I told Hailey that her teacher was very wrong, God doesn't take away bad and scary things because you ask. I tried to explain faith and spiritual strength but she was clearly upset. She asked me if I even believed in God. When I told her sometimes I do and sometimes I don't she cried and said she couldn't like me anymore because I didn't believe in God. That was a real hold the freaking presses moment. Not only wasn't I going to let her start thinking a prayer was going to make bad things go away I also wasn't going to let her start detemining who she could or couldn't like based on what the hell they believed in! Some of mine and her best friends have no belief in God at all. That was another heated conversation where I was trying hard not to come across as angry but I think I failed. I was not angry at Haiey, I hurt for her confusion, I was angry at the church for helping plant these crappy ideas in her head. JT had to have us table it for awhile. I did manage to tell her that it isn't right to like or not like a person for not believing in something you did and if she wanted to believe in God she could but that didn't mean anybody else had to and she could talk to me about God anytime she wanted, even read the bible. Unfortunatly Jason saw the writting on the wall and started crying that I wasn't going to let them go back. He had a really good time, took nothing of the religiouis message with him, but liked the kids crafts and snacks. This is major for him because he never wants to be with other kids. I feel badly for him. I haven't said they can't go again but I really really want to. I also really really want to go chew out the VBS staff.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do because letting them go or not isn't cut and dried to me. For JT I thik itis easier, he'd not let them go and not think twice about it, certianly no guilt over it. Me on the other hand I would feel guilt. They enjoy the activities and other kids a lot. It's only for and hour and a half once a week. Then there is the twisted, confusing and wrong message they are getting from it. Well actually it just seems to be Hailey not Jason. That confused interpretation of faith is the biggest part of why I am not a part of any organized religion. Of course without exposer to organized religions you can't really make a good decision on if you want to be apart of one or not. Why can't they just stick with the jesus love you song and crafts at VBS? Really why do they need to give inappropriate and wrong messages to little kids? I might just forget that it's VBS day this wendsday, they might forget to. Of course there is the other churches VBS coming up that they already know about and are really looking forward to because they did "cool" things there last year. If I keep forgetting about these thigs I think they are going to catch on that I'm avoiding them. I suppose I can have a lot more talks with the kids about what I believe vs what aothers beliee and how we just don't judge or condem anyone based on a belief we disagree with. Then I can just let the chips fall where they may. I'm not sure that's any better than avoiding the issue though. No matter what I do I am gonna have guilt and worry issues in a big way.

Next year no VBS at all. I'm tired of going through this mental crap. We will just always be to busy LOL.